New Year, New Problems

A new year and a new set of issues. It’s been a difficult few weeks both physically and emotionally.

Physically, my Cardiology appointment didn’t go as planned. I thought that it would go as it has the last two years, but if course, I as wrong. Rather than getting an echo and being on my way, my unnecessarily good looking Cardiologist was none too happy with the direction my overall health was last year and when combined with my admission of having trouble breathing, tightness in my chest, and feeling like I can never take a deep breath. Take all of that and putting my dad’s double bypass a year ago and I’m now scheduled for a stress echo on the 27th. Yay. I’m not too concerned about the outcome of those results but I am terrified at his suggestion that my issues could be pulmonary in nature. That is the one specialist I’ve been able to avoid this far and the one that scares me the most. I’ve mentioned before that of the people who die from MCTD, pulmonary hypertension is the killer and something my Cardiologist is concerned about. I have an appointment on the 29th with a Pulmonologist within the Wakemed Hospital system, the same as my Cardiologist and Urologist. I have a feeling that my new and worsening problems aren’t due to heart issues. I’m tying my bar to not automatically freak out and assume that my lungs are fucked, but let’s be honest, I’m not very good at not jumping to conclusions.

I had to stop taking the Seroquel because I noticed some adverse side effects. The calm I felt after the first to weeks went away and I would have needed a dosage increase anyway. Back to square one.

Emotionally, I am an absolute wreck. My PTSD and OCD are the worst they’ve ever been and I’m hanging on by a thread. This is going to sound so stupid, but about two weeks ago, I was watching one of the scripted has I like and one of the character’s storylines involves something all too familiar. Short version, is she was I a sexual relationship with an adult male when she was a teenager and through therapy comes to realize that this man abused her by taking advantage of her age and position. That one minute monologue fly like something kangaroo kicked me in the gut. I do what I always do and shoved those feelings down as far as I could and as a reward, I had an extremely violent nightmare. I don’t remember much except for the ending, which once me laying on a gurney in an ER with the back of my skull cracked opened as a doctor is examining my head. It was so painful in my dream and I woke up with one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had and crippling anxiety. That’s never happened before and I couldn’t ignore the correlation between what I watched and the nightmare. My flight or fight response has been off the charts ever since. There’s much more to that event that I’m going to explain in a separate post.

Next week I have my follow up with my new Psychiatrist, so I’ll update on the medication changes.

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