Seasons Greetings

Where did I leave off?

Ah yes, on my 3rd course of antibiotics last month. It took 27 days of antibiotics and an additional 3 weeks to recover from whatever infection I had. I was miserableeee. But, I’m here 😁 Nothing exciting has happened since, I pretty much rescheduled all of my specialist appointments and will see Cardiology for my annual in January, Rheumatology in February and I don’t remember if I have any other appointments.

I did FINALLY get in with a Psychiatrist so my medication (Amitriptyline, Wellbutrin, and Ativan) can be tweaked because my anxiety has been through the roof which of course has made my PTSD worse (flashbacks nearly everyday and feeling the need to punish myself) which then makes my OCD tendencies occur more frequently. I lucked out with finding this doctor, she is wonderful. She spent an hour and half going over all of my medications, medical conditions, and a history of my mental health history. She was thorough and put a lot of thought into what medication she felt would be beneficial and also work with all of my other medication, which is a daunting task. She kept me on my current regime and added Seroquel to the mix and I have to say that I’ve felt a difference in the short 2 weeks I’ve been on it. I’m not as on edge as I usually am have had less flashbacks. I’m on the lowest dose and feel like I need to be on maybe double what I’m on now. Everything else was kept the same and the goal of reducing my Ativan dosage is still in place and I’m finding myself not needing to take one daily or even every other day, so I’m getting there. I’ll see her in January for a follow up.

The past 6 or so months have been absolute hell, seeing my Psychologist every week has helped to understand what causes my anxiety to spike, but as to why I feel the way I feel is a mystery. My PTSD diagnosis has been changed to Chronic PTSD which I didn’t know was a thing. The difference between the two, is [acute] PTSD symptoms are based (usually) on a single event and symptoms (typically) do not last more than 3 months; while Chronic PTSD is (usually) caused by more than one event or a prolonged event and symptoms last more than 3 months. Since I’ve experienced more traumatic events than I care to remember and have had symptoms for years, my diagnosis was changed. I was also diagnosed with dissociative amnesia, which is “…a type of dissociative disorder that involves inability to recall important personal information that would not typically be lost with ordinary forgetting. It is usually caused by trauma or stress.” (Merkle Manual). This explains why I seemingly forgot about some of my sexual assault instances.

Memory recall is very real and the memories come back, it’s like taking a sledgehammer to a glass house. Having to in a sense, relive some of the most painful moments of my life, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m still trying to process everything and come to terms with certain truths. It’s a long road ride to get to a place where I’ve found peace, but it’s one I’m willing to travel.

So, that’s the scoop. Everything else is the same, still waiting for the lawsuit to be over, still waiting on a decision from SSA on my SSDI, and dreading having to meet my $2600 deductible beginning next week 😫😫😫

Merry Christmas you filthy animals and a Happy New Year 🎄🕎🕉

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