The Bullshit That Never Ends

Aside from a few medication changes, it’s the same old same old. BCBS finally decided to pay for Aimovig again, so I hope in one or two more dosages, I’ll have my migraines back under control. Hopefully, once those are at bay, the vertigo and dizziness will go away as well. My Neurologist increased my Propranolol dosage from 20mg a day, to 40mg a day to combat my worsened tremors. I’ve only been on the increased dosage a few days but I’ve noticed a major difference in both my tremors and heart flutter. The only downside is that because Propranolol is a beta blocker, I need to monitor both my heartrate and blood pressure to make sure neither gets too low. Another daily reminder that I’m 32 trapped in an 80 year olds body.

Aside from my Psychologist, I haven’t had any other doctor appointments. I’m hoping to get an appointment within the next week or two to change my PTSD/anxiety/depression/OCD medication since my current Amitriptyline/Wellbutrin combo isn’t working anymore. I’ve had so many medication adjustments this year that once my body adjusts to one set of changes, there are more, and more adjustment is needed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I genuinely don’t remember what it feels like to not be in some level of pain and discomfort every day. Hell, I don’t even know if I hold any hope that I’ll ever get to experience that again. Time will tell.

Ms. Ava has been sick with an ear infection/stomach bug since last Weds and has been home from school (she tracked back in on Oct 1st), but will hopefully go back tomorrow. Having a sick child and having no immune system is an absolute nightmare. I had to have Dan stay home for a day, take her to the doctor, and take over mom duty because it wasn’t safe for me be that close to her for the first day or two. She never throws up, so her waking Dan and I up at 4am by throwing up on Dan and our bed, was concerning. I’m the only one that’s had their flu shot and Ava’s pediatricians office has run out the vaccine twice now, so I’m on high alert. My healing time for any minor injuries has increased over time and I’m really worried about getting the flu (especially with her in kindergarten now) because I know I’ll end up in the hospital. You can only wash your hands, disinfect, and bathe in hand sanitizer so much.

My anger and resentment over this fucking disease just increases and increases as months ago by. When I see my Rheumatologist at the end of the month, I need to discuss my ability or inability to travel internationally, and I swear if he says no, I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown. Dan and I both need this vacation so fucking bad and it will most likely be the last vacation I’m able to go on. I also am hoping to get a few answers about what the future has in store. I’d like to know if there’s a chance that I’ll one day, be able to get off of chemotherapy and an idea of the damage of being on chemo long term can cause. I know that there’s no way to know for sure, but maybe he can give some answers. 🎶 This is the bullshit that never enddddsssss 🎶

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