Consultations, Conversations, And Preservation

A few quick updates. I’m currently STILL waiting for, now, a total of 3 NPs & PAs to tell me if I can receive vaccines for pneumonia and pneumococcal. For some odd reason my Endocrinologist office was closed, and I had an appointment at 1pm…and no one told me…great. Waiting to hear from my Neuro at Duke to let me know if she can increase either the Amovig or Rizatriptan, because I’ve had, like 5 migraines in the past 3 weeks which is not normal for me. No med changes as of now, I’ll update if things change.

The ‘real’ reason behind this post centers around an upcoming doctor appointment, scheduled for next Wednesday. I say appointment, but it’s more of a consultation, with my OBGYN, about permanent birth control options. This is a consultation that 22-year-old me would be excited about. Not having that conversation (at 22) is something I’m grateful for. I was young and selfish, but some part of me must have known that Ava was waiting to come into the world. The first few days after I miscarried my first child, I wanted to close shop for good. Running away from my home and leaving a part of my soul in Las Vegas was disastrous enough. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I chose to ‘fixed’ at 25. I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself for not having the ability to bring another child into the world. I technically could get my IUD removed and [attempt to] get pregnant. As I’ve mentioned in prior posts, I’ve been told by more than one doctor, that the odds are stacked against me if I tried. I would have to go off 90% of my medications and [potentially] be pregnant at the same time. I’m a little ‘not all there’, but I’m not stupid enough to subject myself and my family to that disaster. Realistically, I don’t think that I could survive another pregnancy, nor would a baby survive. I would kill myself trying to bring another Ava into the world. I already have her, and God knows she’s more than enough.

Dan and I have done our homework on the different types of permanent birth control. He jumped up and insisted that he get a vasectomy since “I’ve gone through so much already”. I told there’s no way that I would be ok with him doing that, even though it can be reversed, I’m not comfortable with it. The reason that I’m not ok with it, is because, after I die (or if we get divorced), I want him to be able to have another child. It’s hard to have these types of conversations with him, he shuts down; I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to hear it either if the shoe was on the other foot. Still, it’s a conversation that needs to happen and there are decisions that need to be made. I will be the one to undergo whatever procedure is the safest option for me. Some family and friends have said that Dan should have the vasectomy because it’s [supposedly] an easy procedure with a quick recovery. All that may be true, BUT this is my burden to bear. I’m the one that has been medically advised not to have anymore children, not him. I’ve already expressed to Dan that after I die (or we if get divorced), and when he and Ava are ready, I want him to marry again, and hopefully find a woman that could be a mother figure for Ava. I want to do what I can, now, to preserve those options for them both. Not exactly the most pleasant topic of conversation, but you do what you gotta do right? I’ve already beaten myself up and made my peace with it. I’m grateful to have one amazing daughter, and nothing is important enough to take me away from her.

This disease takes so much from every aspect of my life; no avenue is spared. When I write posts that aren’t centered around medication changes or doctor appointments, I don’t do it, so that everyone knows about my private life. I do it because this disease, my disease impacts every relationship and every part of my life. My health affects my life and my life affects my health. It’s a vicious cycle and one that never ends. Could be worse right? Right, and that is my que to wrap this up.

I’ll post updates later in the week.

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