Starting From The Ground Up

Super quick update. I was able to reschedule all 3 of the appointments I missed last week. I see my PCP on Sunday to do my Ativan taper, and I’ll see both the Dermatologist and Urologist on the 18th. Currently waiting for my Rheumatologists office to send my records to the new Rheumatologist. The referral coordinator at my PCP’s office FINALLY sent out my Neurology referral…EXCEPT they sent to a UNC office out of Chapel Hill (which is an hour away) that specializes in TBI’s (traumatic brain injury). When I spoke to the woman from that office, I had to tell her that my Neurological symptoms aren’t related to the concussion I had at the time of my car accident. Of course, she tells me to call my doctor because she couldn’t send me to a Raleigh office. Mind you, I’ve already been to UNC for Rheumatology, that was the woman who didn’t know what to do with me other than handing me lab work orders. Let’s see how long it takes to get a call from a Neurology office that is in the area. Update done, onto the good stuff.

Okay, so if you’ve followed my blog from its inception (or have caught up), you’ll know that sometimes takes me a long time to learn a lesson. Within the last 12 hours, it FINALLY dawned on me that I’ve severely neglected myself. This year has been very rough on me, in every aspect of my life, and last year was easily one of the worst, and most self-destructive years of my life. This has been a year of reconstruction. Slowly but surely, wounds are starting to scar, and ‘normalcy’ has returned. While certain ‘things’ are being remodeled, others have been greatly ignored. Ever since my former Psychiatrist retired, I haven’t searched for a new therapist. A huge part of me distrusts the whole process after how toxic that woman was. I’m hesitant to be open and trusting to another provider, and rightfully so.

As of today, I’m cautiously and actively searching for a new Psychologist. I contacted several offices today, should hear back sometime next week. There’s too much at stake this time around. I need to see someone who can teach me to manage my PTSD and anxiety. The flashbacks that I was having weeks ago, are back. I can’t take it anymore, there must be a way to shut this bitch down. In addition to dealing with my PTSD and anxiety, I need to manage the emotions that are associated with being sick. With my previous therapist, I talked and talked, and she reinforced my thoughts. That was the extent of what I paid for. That and a benzo addiction and a broken marriage. I’m hesitant to be open and trust someone again, but I know that I need to. I need to learn how to make peace with this portion of my life, I mean really make peace. What I’m doing now just isn’t enough. Dan and I need to be in marriage counseling, like, last year. Our relationship has been much, much better but, we have yet to address the elephant in the room. We need to lay everything on the table, face it, and move on. I also looked for child Psychologists for Ava. She needs to be evaluated and may need counseling to help her get over the trauma of the accident. She hasn’t mentioned it as frequently as she was, but that doesn’t mean that she’s gotten over it. What a household huh?

I think I’ve pinpointed the event that triggered my decent into neglect. Things began to go south once I stopped working at the beginning of the year. That was the last bit of my old self that I had, so when it was gone, I got lost. It’s so much easier to be complacent and get swallowed by negativity and self-doubt. I think that I’ve been telling myself that I can’t do XYZ for so long that it’s burned into my brain. I’ve convinced myself that I can’t go back to working full time, which may be true, but until I won’t know until I try. I linger on the pain from the MCTD and tell myself that I’ll never be able to be active like I once was. Again, something that may be true, but I don’t know. I have a post-it on my computer desk to call the physical therapy office and make an appointment. Occasionally I genuinely forget about it and other days, I just don’t feel like dealing with it. It’s stupid, I don’t understand myself sometimes. Since my back surgery, and the Cellcept and Lyrica were increased, I feel better than I have in years. I have more energy (most days) and am in less pain. I have a feeling that this is about as good as it’s going to get. Once the tremors and [newly morphed] migraines are manageable, I should have the bulk of my symptoms under control. I have no idea what my physical limitations are anymore, and instead of guessing, I’m going to actively find out.

I need to do more for myself from now on. I tell myself that taking my medications and going to my doctors is self-care. It’s not, it’s half of what I should do. I used to be good to myself back in the day. I did things that made me feel good, like getting my hair and nails done, or taking ‘me time’. I rarely do any of that. Thanks to Groupon, I’m starting to pamper myself again. Something so simple can be hard to accomplish when you tell yourself that taking care of you isn’t a priority. I put everyone else before myself, and while I know that I need to put me first sometimes, it’s hard. Feeling like a burden on your family kind of prevents you from deeming yourself worthy. I really need to stop this shit. It doesn’t do me any good, and it doesn’t do my family any good. They need 100% of me and I can’t do that unless I take care of me. This kick in the ass took a while to make contact.

I have a new-found confidence in myself and my abilities. Time to live and not just exist. For the first time, I believe that I can keep on and autoimmune on.

I will update after my appointments next week.


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