Reasons to Leave and Excuses to Stay

If they gave out titles for faking happy, I’d be the freakin queen right now. Most days it’s easy enough to slap on a smile when I physically don’t feel well or if I’m about to break down in tears. Some days I need Ava to spend time with her Mimi and Papa, so I can rest or scream; depending on the day. The past…almost two years have changed me in million different ways. So much has happened that it’s kind of impossible not to change in some way or another. Dan thinks that having Ava and becoming sick have been the two catalysts for becoming who I am now. I don’t disagree, but I don’t give those two events as much credit as he does. Parenthood changes everyone; that’s a given. And of course, finding out that you have a rare, degenerative, and incurable disease is going to change a person. I’d be more concerned if it didn’t quite frankly.

Since having Ava, most of my love and attention goes to her; as it should. My life revolves around making sure I set a good example and set her on the path to become an independent, good, and productive member of society. I may be wrong, but, is that not what every parents’ intentions are? And yes, there are days where I’d pay someone to take her for a week, so I can get a break. That’s right…I said it. You know you’ve all thought about it; some may have done it. Scandalous…any who.

Having gone through the tests and procedures and spending the amount of time I have with various specialists has taken its toll; I’m not denying that. I’m exhausted. My calendar is marked with doctors’ appointments, MRIs, bloodwork, follow up appoints, etc.; it’s a lot to deal with week after week. A lot of it so routine that I don’t pay them much mind, but I have days where I become overwhelmed. I ask myself if it’s ever going to end. Then I have to stop and remind myself that these…things are a part of my life and need to be done. I still don’t allow myself to have many pity parties because I know that I can’t change anything so why wallow in it. I will admit that ever since my Hepatologist appointment, I haven’t been trying very hard to hide my worry. I just keep hearing my Rheumatologists voice telling me that ‘the clock’ didn’t really begin until one or more of my organs begins to fail. Well, the clock has officially, [be it slowly] [thank god] started.

All of this prompted me to do what I’ve attempted [and failed] to do twice before; leave my marriage. Mostly for the same reasons I’ve written about a thousand times before but there are some newer issues that have arisen since my last ‘go at it’. I’m still unhappy. I still feel like I’m being controlled and meant to live a cage. I’m ashamed of myself. There was a time when I was so much stronger than this. I would never tolerate the things I do now. I don’t know if I’ve just become used to it or if I find it easier to stay rather than endure the abuse that comes with leaving. When did my fire go out? When did I become ‘that woman’? I wish I could jump out of my body just to slap some sense into myself. I know the risks. I know that it’ll be a HUGE challenge but I’m not her. I’m not the woman that rolls over and just takes it because it’s easier. I used to be a fighter. And right now, for the life of me, I can’t find that woman anywhere. I promised myself that this year I was going to be fearless. I was going to do and say the things that I’ve kept quiet; I’m not off to a very good start.

This is the reason they may people in the mental health field go to therapy. It’s so easy to coach someone else on you know is healthy and will lead to happiness but for the life of you, you can’t do it for yourself. I saved every Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy book I bought while I was getting my undergrad and I’ve used those to help my friends and clients. Do you think I’ve ever picked one up and shoved it in front of my own face and asked myself what the hell I was doing? Of course not! Realistically, and not to make excuses (even though it kind of is an excuse), right now isn’t exactly the ideal time to uproot everything and start over. I have one, possibly two surgeries coming up, a possible lawsuit in the making, my usual medical b.s., my duties as a mom, work, and everything else I go through daily. I’m smart enough to know that I’m making excuses for staying and buying time until I somehow find that ‘thing’ that’s going to give me the kick in the ass I need.

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