Out of The Mouths of Babes

Quick health update: I got my results back from my routine blood work and as predicted, something was off. It wasn’t, however, my CRP levels like I suspected (those were the lowest they’ve ever been 3.4!), it was my lipid panel. Here’s where I get confused, so, the “bad” cholesterol you get from foods was low, and the “good” cholesterol your body naturally produces was high. To me, that makes absolutely no sense and I have zero idea how that suddenly decided to get out of whack. My PCP sent to results to my Rheumatologist, so we’ll see what (if anything) he does about it. I’ll keep you posted if anything comes of it. When I brought it up to my mom, she said that it was common on her side of the family…really?! Like I don’t already have enough genetic aliments from my dad, my own unexplained diseases, and now I’ve my moms’ as well. Never ending…

Anyways, let’s get to the nitty gritty…

Since my last post, things have been up and down still, but I’m handling the downs much better than I was previously. Decisions and compromises are slowly beginning to be made which is a start. Everything is still emotional and raw (as expected) but, for me, I’m focused on Ava’s new journey. She had her 3rd birthday last month and with the new year, brings lots of new changes. She’s going to be starting preschool (when I decide on one that isn’t ridiculously expensive!), she’s going to start soccer, and eventually, she and I will have a new place to live. I know how much I hate change, so I can only imagine what all that will do to an already changing child. I’m hoping that the excitement of starting preschool and soccer will bring enough excitement to give her at least some distraction from the divorce. She’s been acting out more and more as the days go on, and of course, me being the mother, and the closest one to her, I’m bearing the brunt of it. I don’t get as angry with her as much as maybe I should because I know that there’s so much going on that she can’t quite articulate yet. I just remind her every day that she’s loved and safe and that she’ll never be without her mommy or daddy.

Today was over the top tantrum day; two huge ones. The second happened after her dad left to go to the store for maybe 20 minutes tops. The second he left, it was game on; the sippy cup got hurled across the room and nearly got me in the head. Then the hitting and screaming ensued; I wasn’t angry that she was acting out, I was sad. She quickly realized that what she did was wrong (which she usually does) and crawled into my lap sobbing. Tears, snot, the whole nine yards. I just let her bury her head into my shoulder with her sweet, yet germy face and I rocked her back and forth. Now, if you have kids, you know that at that age, it’s not the easiest to “dumb down” what you’re trying to ask or say without it turning into an hour-long interrogation. Once she calmed down enough to listen and respond coherently, I asked her why she was sad. She told me that she was very sad and when I asked her why, she said it was because “daddy was always gone”. My heart literally sank into my stomach. I just held her and reassured her that daddy would be home soon and that he wasn’t going to go away from her. After a few more minutes of rubbing her snotty nose on my shoulder, she got up, gave me a kiss, and went along to play with her toys.

I just kind of sat on the kitchen floor for a moment and let her words sink in. I thought about how his upcoming, week-long vacation was going to affect her, and I wondered how I’m going to strong enough for the both of us…



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