Breaking Down and Through to the Other Side

I haven’t written this often in a while (yes, I expect applause) but I needed to write a follow up to my most recent post; and I’ll tell you why. Just like I don’t like to dive into politics, I don’t like to get into religion as well (for obvious reasons). I am, however, going to touch a little tiny bit on it (in a more spiritual sense).

Ok, so, in my previous post, I (maybe not so subtly) hinted that I had once again, ruined a good thing in my life. And I did for a few hours until I decided to pull my head out of my ass, open my eyes, and recognize the ‘sign’ that was literally in front of me. It was almost as if [insert deity of choice] was saying “hey, dumbass, the storm didn’t just come out of nowhere”. Mind you, the thunder, lightning, and pouring rain began SECONDS after I ended ‘that’ call. And of course, it took until AFTER I said what I felt I ‘needed’ to, did I (literally, and out loud) say “I get it! I get it! You’re telling me I screwed up and this is what the [internal] storm looks and feels like”. Believe in whatever you will, but that’s just plain weird and a little too coincidental for me to ignore.

Luckily for me, not only do I happen to live inland and mostly out of harm’s way during hurricane season, but, I also happen to have finally learned that the past does not have to dictate your future. Yes, I usually run when I can sense myself becoming vulnerable because I don’t want to be taken advantage of and hurt. And nine times out of ten, I run like hell and never look back; this was the one time I turned around. For the first time in…well forever, I felt like the walls I had built up around me were no longer there to protect me. I didn’t feel like I needed to be protected, not from this. If anything, those walls that one made me feel safe, suffocated me, and became a labyrinth in which I was lost. So, I did something I’ve never done before; I knocked them all down. Ever. Single. One. I left myself raw and exposed and open to pain and rejection; basically, everything I’ve avoided doing for as long as I can remember. And you want to know what…none of those things that I feared so much happened. Not one. So, naturally, I felt like an idiot for having said what I said and for being so guarded in this situation.

I’d like to say that it was luck that thing turned in my favor, but I have a suspicion that it’s a bit more than that. Chances like this don’t come around very often, so, when you see a sign, turn your ass around, take off your running shoes, and stay for as long as possible.

*I’m aware that I left out some key details. When the timing is right, all will be revealed*

Quick Health Update- My 3-month routine blood work will be done tomorrow morning, so I’ll post the results when they come in.

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