It may just be me, but I find it easier to be sick in solitude. How do you do that with family and friends around you? Why you run like hell of course. You find reasons to push people away and out of your life so you’re surrounding by a limited audience. This, of course, is self-destructive and completely unhealthy, but, it’s become the only way I know how to cope. I hate not looking, feeling, and being the person, I once was, and I know that it hurts the people around me as well. Rather than having them see me get worse, I’d much rather do it in solace. Sounds happy and healthy, right? I’m not by any means an idiot, so I know that my lack of coping mechanisms is only harming myself and those around me. It’s on the top of my to-do list, trust me.
I can be one hell of a storm when I’m self-destruct mode. I will ruin anything in my path that does or may potentially bring me happiness and cause me to get attached. I’ve pushed away just about everyone I’ve ever loved. Some, I will say, deserved the damage created by Hurricane Ashley. Those people, are the ones who have caused some of the deepest scars through years of betrayal and bullshit. Most, admittedly, have never deserved the bulk of the mess they’ve had to clean up because of me. Maybe a few downed power lines but never an entire city. Like true forces of nature, I don’t discriminate. Parents, siblings, romantic relationships, and friendships, all left in ruins. Thankfully, most of my damage hasn’t been irreparable and I could make right what I had wronged.
The ones that I was never able to repair or have yet been given the chance to, haunt me every day. We all know the saying “we hurt the ones we love the most” and sadly, it’s true; for me at least. My fight or flight instincts are in overdrive. Once I can sense that someone is penetrating my “impenetrable” wall, the storm begins. I hate every bit of it. A lot of people can’t understand why I would want to push away people that love and care about me. To me, it’s my own really screwed up way of protecting them. I would much rather screw up a relationship than to let another person watch me as my health gets worse. When I get in my ‘pity me’ moments, I often say that I would rather die alone than to make the people I love suffer because of my pain. Very hypocritical considering my past and recent actions.
So, to those of you who I’ve pushed away; I’m sorry.
To those of you half way out the door; please don’t give up just yet.
And to those who’ve loved me along the way; your words have always been heard and your action always noticed…even if it seemed otherwise.