You, Me, & MCTD

I’ve been meaning to write this for weeks but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to get the words out…

So, I’m a part of a support group on Facebook for people with MCTD and I remember reading a post about how being chronically ill affected romantic relationships. I can’t for the life of me remember if I was the one who brought the topic up or not, but I remember the responses. There were so many women who stated that their marriages and relationships had crumbled and eventually ended [because of the toll being ill took on their partners]. Quite a few women mentioned that because they aren’t the person they once were, it leads to the demise of their relationships. I now understand the feeling…

I’m by no means the person I was five years ago, I’m both stronger and weaker than I once was. It goes without question that physically I’m much weaker than before but it’s because of that I’m much stronger mentally than I’ve ever been. Emotionally, I’m worn down and broken most of the time. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m exhausted from all the doctors’ appointments and testing and it’s because of that, that I’ve become less tolerant of bullshit. I have limited energy and I’m just realizing that spending that energy trying to fight against the currant just isn’t worth it.

My stress level is through the roof and the smallest tiffs can make me physically ill. If it weren’t for my therapist and Ativan, I would probably be in an inpatient program to be treated for a nervous breakdown. I don’t think anyone really understands the toll that stress takes on an already fractured body. It’s as if it goes right through you and rather than scaring the outside, it leaves your soul branded. Every day is a fight to keep it together. Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a fighter and I will be to end. That’s what my daughter needs and deserves. And I will fight until my body no longer allows it but lately I wonder what’s worth fighting for other than her?

My marriage hasn’t been the same since I began to get sick (even before my diagnosis) and it’s just gone downhill from there. I don’t have the emotional fight I once had to overcome obstacles that every relationship has. It really doesn’t help that I’m am empath and already absorb unneeded energy. The constant tension and negativity has had me feeling horribly sick for weeks. Of course, being me, I hide it the best I can but I’m getting to breaking point. I’ve never been much of a crier for whatever reason, but now, when there’s an argument or I feel an energy shift, my body’s’ natural reaction is to cry. I often wonder if things would be different if I wasn’t sick. I know that being the partner of someone with a chronic illness is taxing and I can only imagine the toll it probably takes. I can understand why divorce is so common when one person has health issues. I wonder how much more I can physically, mentally, and emotionally take before my body drops the mic and gives out…

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