I’d Rather Take My Spoons

I don’t know if it’s old age (yes, I consider nearly 30 old, shhh) or an overload of it over the years, but I am so tired of dealing with negativity and misery. We all have our days when we’re cranky, bitchy, (pick a synonym and inert here), but when people are constantly in that ‘mode’ it drives me insane. I’m gonna out my husband here and probably get yelled at for it but I need to get this out. I tell him all the time how he is the most miserable person I’ve ever met in my life. He always has this look on his face likes he’s about to start an argument or cry because someone ran over the family dog. So, being the caring wife that I am, I ask what’s wrong and what do I get…” nothing, I’m fine”. I swear sometimes I have the word ‘idiot’ tattooed on my forehead in some type of special ink that only I’m unable to see. It’s exhausting.

Now I’m going to out myself also, because I do shut down and do the “nothing is wrong, I’m fine b.s.”. I own that. My reasoning behind hiding my negative emotions (that usually revolve around my MCTD) is because I’m tired of thinking about it so why in the hell would I want to talk about it? In my mind, when I verbalize those negative thoughts, they somehow become ‘real’ (as if they haven’t been all along, duh). My blog is the easiest way for me to get out those negative thoughts without having to have the words come out of my mouth. It might sound stupid but, I also feel like once you verbalize those negative thoughts and/or emotions then your physical space is now cluttered with them. That might be a little too hippie/spiritual for some of you which is fine but it really ‘contaminates’ my space when I’m around it.

Negativity sucks the life out of you; it truly does. So, what’s the point in dwelling in negative thoughts and emotions? I’ve had people ask me why I don’t ‘act sick’ (as in, why don’t I complain about it like others), well, I generally don’t feel like it. What’s the point in me posting on my Facebook about how swollen my feet are and how badly I want to cut out my own kidneys? There isn’t one. I’ve already made it clear that I’m the only person that’s allowed to throw me a pity party. Plus, who wants to scroll through their newsfeed or their text messages and read negative comments about how much this sucks and that sucks. Not me. I don’t complain about my MCTD to more than a handful of people and most are my doctors. Does being sick suck big time? Yes. Are there days when I want to slap people for complaining about how Starbucks ruined their day by giving them the wrong order? HELL YES. I want to shake them and make them realize that they have more important things in life to worry about but it’s not my job. It’s not their business to know my story and it’s not my job to make them grateful for what they have.

I just gather my spoons and carry on with my day, cause really, what else are you going to do?

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