At some point in all our lives (ill or not), we will reach a crossroads (be it with career, relationships, etc…). For various reasons, we as people have always been tempted and tested with choices and decisions that often weigh heavy on the heart. I can only speak from the perspective of someone ‘on limited borrowed time’ (don’t mean to sound dramatic and morbid, but hey, it’s true); these decisions weigh heavier than they once did. Throw motherhood in the mix and it’s an anxiety attack to the thousandth degree.
Over the past year or so, I’ve had some daunting decisions placed in front of; some I’m not ready to talk about and others I’ve discussed in previous posts. Some decisions (such as beginning immunosuppressive therapy) are a matter of time, others are a matter of happiness, and the hardest are matters of the heart. When you know in your soul that you won’t be around for as long as you’d like to, is it okay to be a bit selfish? Maybe a bit more so than if I could kick my MCTD to the curb? Or, am I, are we, bound by the existing bonds we’ve created because we have less time and energy to carve out a new life for our self? It’s a question that’s kept me awake for days, even weeks at a stretch.
As independent and stubborn as I am, I’m also very much a people pleaser (I blame being an Astrological cusp ‘baby’). I want those around me to be happy so much so that I’ve often ignored my own wants and needs to appease the masses. The one person who truly does and will always deserve my every sacrifice is Ava. It took me decades (unfortunately, yes, I’m old enough to say that) to understand that no matter how hard I try, I can’t make everyone happy. So, then the question becomes, who gets to be happy? Frankly, I shouldn’t even have to ask myself that question. Some years ago, I got a tattoo across the top of my shoulders that reads “Pay no mind to expectations placed upon your shoulders” as a way of saying “screw you” to the people in my life (mostly my family, sorry mom) that made me feel inadequate. I’m a walking contradiction half of the time.
I know that eventually I’ll be faced with the proverbial ‘fork in the road’ on several life changing decisions. The worst part is knowing that I may not being around long enough to see the result of the chosen path…